Zalmux
Look, I’m not going to give up my eternal soul for a pizza.
Cthulhu
Hey, I get it. That’s a pretty big ask. But tell you what, you can give it up in monthly installments over five years, no money down, with zero percent financing. And if you sign right now, I’ll throw in this free donut.
Zalmux
Oh, that seems pretty reasonable.
Zalmux
I think I need that.
Chang
You do not need your eternal soul. It’s a fictional construct invented by the beneficiaries of an exploitative caste system seeking to justify their roles as the self-appointed judiciary of a theocratic totalitarian state.
Zalmux
Well, then why does HE want it?
Cthulhu
Fiat currency.
Cthulhu
Here’s your pizza.
Chang
Thanks. Here’s $20. Zalmux, you wanna toss in your eternal soul?
Zalmux
Wait, what?
Chang
Dude, tip.
Cthulhu
You rang?
Chang
Can we get a large meat lovers pizza, extra meat?
Zalmux
Wait, what?
Chang
You ever feel that, in the name of unchecked technological advancement and perpetual economic growth, we’ve replaced the wisdom and spirituality of our elders with shallow conspicuous consumption?
Zalmux
You know, you have a point. There’s a lot of meaning in the old way of doing things.
Chang
Exactly. All hail the Dark Lord Cthulhu!
Zalmux
Wait, what?
Zalmux
That’s just, like, your opinion man.
Narrator
It is actually a fact.
Zalmux
Well, I tried.
Zalmux
I want to be the very best, like no one ever was.
Chang
But why?
Zalmux
Honestly, I haven’t thought that far ahead.
Zalmux
This analytics software compiles a list of everyone who likes my puppy pics.
Chang
Why do you need to know that?
Zalmux
So I can send them more puppy pics.
Chang
The memetic-canine-industrial complex must be stopped.
Zalmux
Do you think artificial intelligence will ever get to the point where we can create digital copies of ourselves, blissfully unaware that they’re not the real thing?
Chang
Deal.
Zalmux
Pardon?
Chang
The original Zalmux would have said “the real deal”.
Zalmux
Hello? Customer support? Yes, I think there’s been a mix up. I was expecting to receive a pre-approved 0% introductory APR credit card offer, but I’ve received 38 tins of processed meats instead.
Zalmux
OK yes, I’ll hold.