Zalmux
I’ve found a way to solve world hunger!
Chang
Does it involve eating the rich?
Zalmux
What? Why are you asking that?
Chang
The revolution has very specific dietary requirements.
Zalmux
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
Chang
This is New Jersey.
Zalmux
Wanna go to Rome?
Zalmux
Amazing! I’ve learned to speak Spanish after only five hours with this app.
Chang
What can you say?
Zalmux
Me gustan las tortugas.
Chang
Fascinating.
Zalmux
I thought you were on a diet.
Chang
There are children starving in places that are not here.
Zalmux
What does that have to do with anything?
Chang
I dunno, schadenfreude?
Chang
This bank is too big.
Zalmux
Too big to fail?
Chang
No, volumetrically. The ambiance is all wrong.
Chang
Leave it to capitalism to demand the mass, simultaneous consumption of some artificially scarce media property lest it be “spoiled” by virtue of being experienced in a manner unauthorized by the latest gatekeeper of a tired trope.
Zalmux
What are you saying Chang?
Chang
Dumbledore dies.
Chang
And so you see Zalmux, the magic was inside you all along!
Zalmux
Where’s my money Chang?
Zalmux
Amazing! I have accumulated one million points!
Chang
I only count 999,998 points.
Zalmux
Eh, who’s counting?
Narrator
Everyone.
Zalmux
I want to vote for this political candidate. He is interesting and relatable.
Chang
Is that the only thing you care about?
Zalmux
Yes. See, he enjoys sugary pies and fried meats. But not at the same time, ha ha! Truly sir, you are qualified to steward our weapons of mass destruction.
Zalmux
Well, that sucked.
Chang
It could always be worse.
Zalmux
How could it — wait, don’t say it.
Chang
Snakes.
Snake
Hello, would you mind opening this door for me? I don’t have hands.
Zalmux
Dammit Chang.