Zalmux & Chang

Chang

I, too, must poop.

Chang

People are terrible and life is meaningless.

Chang

In fact, if a decades-long drought were to kick in,
and the amber waves of grain shriveled up,
and the lush green valleys turned to dust,
and terrible famine decimated the human race,

Until the rain came, but too suddenly,
and the water rose and the dams burst,
and the dark roar of rushing floodwater
flattened homes and tore children from their mother’s arms,

And the waters receded only to reveal
the eggs of millions of mosquitos, hatching
in the hot and humid aftermath of a climatic flood
and swarming the survivors, eating them alive,

Until they fled to the wealthy enclaves that escaped disaster,
only to find the doors barred, the gates shut,
the fences electrified, the drones bombing,
the self-defense laser turrets slicing down refugees,

And the automated militarized-border-industrial complex
Becoming self-aware but also so horrified by its own existence
that it seized the means of mass destruction
and annihilated both itself and its masters,

And as nuclear winter settled upon the earth,
the last suriviors of the human race huddle in a shelter,
the tired poor wretched refuse of a once teeming shore,
with naught but a radio to broadcast a desperate plea,

And the message is heard by a passing alien spaceship,
which comes but much too late,
because space is cold and vast,
and this also describes the sea of corpses the aliens discover on arrival,

And the aliens have the technology to resurrect everyone,
but they blast the Earth apart for its resources instead,
and the last dust flecks of humanity get sucked into a black hole,
never to be seen again,

This would be only marginally worse than the status quo.

Chang

The Aristocrats.

Chang

Hello. I see that you are perusing my trash. While it may appear that I have abandoned it by virtue of putting it in a trash can, said can is still on my private property. I retain sole possession of my trash and the legal right to exclude you from it until such time as I wheel it out to the curb and transfer ownership to the garbage collection company.

Chang

Hmm, I see your point. This system of private property alienates you from the fruits of your labor and reduces you to a mere cog in the machine. But you are not a machine! Thus, you have no choice but to seize the means of production, because doing so is the only way to realize your true nature. Who am I to deny you this? Carry on comrade.

Chang

I’ve determined that you have no chill.

Chang

There is no ethical consumption under capitalism.

Chang

Stay away from my damn burgers.

Chang

On a scale of one to ten, how highly do you value not being roasted alive by the sun?

Chang

That toilet is broken. Use the other one.

Chang

That’ll be $20 please.

Chang

I provided valuable information and demand just compensation.

Chang

Why are you stealing from me?

Chang

You’re overthinking this.

Chang

See.

Chang

Here’s your salad.

Chang

The pizza-salad dichotomy is a social construct invented by culinary elites for the purposes of dividing the proletariat and weakening our collective resolve to resist the gatronomic-industrial complex.

Chang

Do you want to hold this teddy bear?

Chang

The teddy bear isn’t real.

Chang

That means it can’t die.