Twenty-Seven
Zalmux
Good morning Chang!
Narrator
It is one minute after noon.
Zalmux
Narrator
Zalmux
Narrator
Twenty-Six
Chang
I was contemplating bludgeoning you to death with this ham sandwich but I am not that evil yet.
Zalmux
Yet?
Chang
I plan on playing a violent video game next week. Maybe then.
Twenty-Five
Zalmux
You should potty-train your dog.
Chang
The “potty” is not a self-evident part of this dog’s lifeworld. Restricting when and where she may defecate would reify social constructs designed to subjugate her for the benefit of elitist anthropocentric property interests.
Zalmux
She is peeing on my shoe.
Chang
She is protesting capitalism.
Twenty-Four
Zalmux
I’m really proud of this latest acquisition.
Chang
The consumer benefits are substantial.
Zalmux
Yes.
Chang
This unlocks new levels of quality and innovation.
Zalmux
Exactly!
Chang
This deal scales the network effects to eleven.
Zalmux
You’re making fun of me, aren’t you?
Chang
The synergies will be tremendous.
Twenty-Three
Chang
When the revolution comes, you won’t be the first against the wall, but you might be … like … the 28th.
Zalmux
Excuse me?
Chang
I’m practicing radical candor.
Twenty-Two
Zalmux
I’m feeling really gassy today.
Chang
You need to chill.
Zalmux
How would that help?
Chang
Condensation, mostly.
Twenty-One
Zalmux
I’ve thought a lot about culture around here Chang, and I’ve decided we should not be evil.
Chang
I’m OK with that.
Zalmux
I have nothing against evil. Evil is perfectly valid lifestyle choice. But this is a not evil place, and if that’s not something you can commit to, you need to be not here.
Chang
I would like to reconsider my previous statement.
Twenty
Zalmux
Good morning Chang!
Chang
I am not open for social interaction until 9:00.
Narrator
It is 8:59.
Nineteen
Narrator
There is a button. Zalmux must press it every twelve hours to avoid catastrophe.
Zalmux
I can do this.
Daylight Savings Time
He cannot.
Eighteen
Zalmux
You know what I like most about this job, Chang? Having co-workers I can grab drinks with after work. Probably the best part of my day.
Chang
So the thing you enjoy most about work is not working?
Zalmux
Um … yes.
Chang
Have you considered bowling?